It has been far too long since I’ve posted; between becoming single (smug grin), school finally getting started after the ice storm, fighting a losing battle with a sinus infection and antibiotics, and logging more time in the pool last week than all of my triathlon seasons combined, I’ve fallen a bit behind. Now you know my reasons, and because of the time I’ve spent in the aquatic centers, you’ll understand this post. Guys and girls should get a laugh, and guys will end up yelling at this post, “YES!! Why do they do that?!” So here’s my first post in a while, and hopefully it’ll bring plenty of laughs.
First off; I’m typing this on my iPhone while on my trainer and then using a wireless mouse/keyboard app to post it on my Mac, so sorry that it’s just words without pics. But; I think that’ll let you paint your own pictures of these happenings. Which will be better, and funnier.
I’m going to tell you the unspoken rules of a male locker room, be it in middle school, college, adulthood, or any other times… These rules stay the same.
Rule 1: eye to eye contact only. If you must look down to put on shoes, or sit at waist level to put on socks, you have tunnel vision focused on shoes/socks/you get the point. You do not take a survey of…you get it
Rule 2: You are to be completely in your birthday suit ONLY when in the shower, the brief time between shower and putting on pants, and when putting on your suit before swimming. Don’t be the guy who just wanders around naked (there’s always one), and by no means, be that guy AND the guy that wants to talk.
Rule 3: We don’t talk. Anything more than a “Hey Steve”, or “Bye Steve”, is too much talking. ABSOLUTELY do not be the guy who talks to everyone in the shower, even more; don’t be the guy who taps another patron on the shoulder while IN the shower to “borrow some soap”…
Rule 4: In a community shower; don’t choose the faucet next to someone else when there’s PLENTY of other open faucets. The “eye-to-eye” rule applies even stronger here.
Rule 5: when bathing/drying/dressing: bend over glutes towards a wall. If you’re in shape enough (let’s be real; you should be) to pick up one leg to dress/dry/ect while balancing on your other leg, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BEND OVER!!
Rule 6: If you’re the old guy who throws out all these rules because you’re old and just don’t care, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT STRIKE THE CAPTAIN MORGAN POSE AND ROCK BACK AN FORTH WITH IN 18 INCHES OF MY FACE WHILE YOU TELL ME, “Back in my day, only men in the Navy and convicts had tattoos” while checking out mine. It’s 2010(at the time this happened) and you’re at least 60, and have the physique of Jabba the Hutt…BACK OFF!!
Rule 7: There are at least 100 lockers in here; I’m in transition from towel to pants; don’t pick the locker next to me and lean around me to get to it while I’m changing… Seriously…
Rule 8: You put on baby powder after your swim; cool; don’t Captain Morgan it in front of me. I have no tips for that one, just don’t do it. I understand that your body hasn’t allowed you to see your feet, much less anything else in years, but I promise I don’t want to check it out in your place.
Rule 9: No hygienic activities… You are ONLY allowed to shave your FACE, and only in the mirror in the toilet section of the locker room. No nail clipping in the middle of the damn room. If you look like you’re wearing a sweater after you change into just your suit, go home; de-fur yourself, then came back.
Those are the rules; regardless of age, sexual preference, or anything else… I don’t care what reason you think justifies breaking any of these rules; you’re wrong. I’m not homophobic, I’m 100% comfortable sans clothes, and it’s not just me or my age that thinks this. The goal of every guy in the locker room is change, lock up your bag, (swim), shower, dress, leave, with as little human contact (pun absolutely intended) as physically (again; intended) possible. If you’ve never noticed this person, chances are pretty good it’s you. It’s the same things in every pool locker room I’ve been in sooner or later, regardless of local; these happen up and down the entire race/economic/education/et al gambit…
Enjoy the mental pictures I helped you paint (not really; it’s always the guys that look the polar opposite of swimmers/athletes). I hope you got a good laugh, and ladies; I hope you got a good picture of what goes on past the male locker room door; it’s not pretty.