Eh…that describes my whole race and how I felt mentally during Rev3 Portland. I don’t know; I just wasn’t there. I felt bulletproof until I got sick or whatever, and had to spend those two days in the hospital. And then I just never recovered my confidence. So here’s what happened.
Swim was solid (read “blah”). I climbed over a lot of people the whole time and since I didn’t have a great feel for the water due to being in my TYR Hurricane wetsuit, as amazing as it is, but 36:50 isn’t too bad. Strip the suit off, and slip into shoes, 1/2 mile run to transition to hop on my bike.
I realize the left shoe is clipped into the right side and vice versa once I completed my flying mount. Stopped and fixed it, went out and felt ok. I’ve kinda felt hollow since friday, like I did a few weeks ago in my big build week, but I really thought it would pass once I was racing. I rode to the farthest end of the first loop, like mile 14-15, and stayed in z4. It felt like z3, so being in z4 that early didn’t raise any flags. Then at the turn around, it went from like a 7/10rpe to like a 9/10rpe and like 3mph slower. Rode the rest of the ride trying to push it, but it pretty much stayed really hard regardless of what my watch said. There were a few burst where I hit 21-22, and felt like I should, but those were short lived. I also completely shut off at the start of the second lap. “You’ve GOT to be kidding…” is what went through my head when I realized I had another 28miles to go.
I don’t know; I thought I was just staying disconnected from the race so I didnt psych myself out, but I honestly never got into race mode. It was like I never wanted to be here. The little amount of edge I did have walking into transition this morning faded by the time I set my area up. My confidence just didn’t come back after the ER visits. But onto to the run.
I Felt like hell, and since I didn’t want to be there mentally, it didn’t help. Portland has an elevation of like 100ft(who knew?! I though I was way up here and maybe that was it), so that wasn’t the reason. Everything just felt super hard, and like I just had no bounce or drive… And zero motivation. The only reason I didn’t DNF at mile 3 when I passed transition again is because I have more character that that. I’m not going to quit unless I’m incredibly ill, or actually injured. I thought maybe I’d have some mental breakthrough too; realize some great truth… But instead I just grumbled. What I did realize is that I need the transition week I’m in the middle of right now. (I’m also in town, with a pop of maybe 12, but they have internet so I’m updating) Once I passed transition and decided that I had about 10miles to cover, I walked. I ran when spectators or aid stations were near, but that’s all. And only because I didn’t want to hear them ask if I was ok, or tell me I looked strong as I was pacing a 22minute mile. Everyone, from teammates to random athletes asked if I was ok anyway because I looked so bad, not physically, but I had no competitor’s spark in my eye, and they could tell something wasn’t right. The only reason I ran at the end was bc I was tired of being out there, and getting more sunburned.
I know what happened mentally, but now what happened to make me feel like I did physically, but I think it was all mental. I’ve had a lot of weird thoughts, self doubt ones (WTF?!) all week too. Never getting into race mode didnt help anything. But I did jog, not run, down the chute smiling. I’m not upset or angry, I domt really have any thoughts at all besides wanting to know what and why it happened. I’ve had days like this during training, but at least then you can reset once you’re back at your car. I guess I did learn one thing though…
That even if I had executed, 4:30 is too damn long to race. I’ll keep to the short stuff, and that’s a huge change from how I felt 6months ago. It’s good though, since building speed is important at 22. Maybe I’ll race long in 7, 8…15 years, but no time soon. So let’s see how long until I’m racing 60minute sprints and 2hour olys 🙂